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In the deep darkness of the water I drown, all my mental faculties escaping. There was no fight left in my cells. Water filling every curve. I let the water take me down, further and further, until there is nothing, no sound, no movement, just stillness with no waves to see. Even the blood escaping from my veins bleed into the darkness.

I thought I was going to die. I don’t remember waking up, only that when I did there was a tube down my throat. I could hear machines beeping, my skin burning under the florescent lights. I was alive, yet all I could feel was a longing for my body to fall through the water, forever, down through the dark waves to the ultimate sense of oblivion.

I spent a week in that hospital and not once did my family come and visit, and today, when I was discharged, they didn’t come to drive me home. I walk through the city, through the rain, the lightning, the thunder. I don’t want to go home, I want to rest, to sleep, so I find a place under cover with a cardboard box, fill it with dry newspaper, and sleep.

It was the gun that woke me, followed by the body landing near my box, his dead eyes looking right at me. I do my best to not make a sound; Legs kick the corpse, and then leave. Looking into his eyes, I fall back to sleep. It was the police sirens that woke me up next, signaling  that it was time to  find a new place to sleep.

My stomach growls, telling me it is finally time to get some food, yet my brain struggles to settle on where to go. Walking aimlessly, I settle on a little place by the sea. Drinking coffee and eating cake to the sound of waves breaking at the shore, I think about the body in the ally, how he was left all alone, if he saw me before he died, if I was any comfort?

His body was still there when I went back, I was hoping that he would still be there. Part of me wondered why he still lay there covered in his dried blood. Nobody had heard the gun, no one had seen him. I saw him, I feel sad. Grabbing him, I pull him into my box and lay next to his cold body, tangled in his arms.

That night I took his body with me to the cliff I had jumped off, hoping to die. I gaze into his lifeless eyes one more time before throwing his body into the water below. I watch as the corpse fell below the waves. Sadness washes over me as I walk down to the beach, looking out the never-ending darkness.

I walk into the water, slowly, knowing that this time I won’t be pulled from the water. I open my stitches with a seashell, my blood flowing into the water. My head slips beneath the dark waves, lungs fill with water. I drown, all my mental faculties escaping. There was no fight left in my cells. Water filling every curve. I let the water take me down, further and further, until there was nothing, no sound, no movement, just stillness with no waves to see.

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