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“I am having a sexuality crisis. I’ve come to realise that I am more turned on by spending time with my cat than with guys. I have literally turned down dates because I prefer to be with her. Does this mean I’m gay? Or some other sexuality that has not yet been discovered? Please help me!”

Anonymous

The debut question for this column and you’ve already got me in a sweat. It seems you have a case of ‘pussy on the brain’. Now there is a fair bit to unpack here, but I’ll keep it brief. Is it gender or species that attracts you? This is not a space for judgement. It seems more likely you’re attracted to the cat. It’s just a matter of finding a compromise. There is hope for you. There’s this fantastic television series in the US that I love. It deals with conundrums of the alternatively-minded. It’s called I’m Always Sunny or something. They have proven on that series that it is possible to undergo feline conversion surgery. Start buying generic cat food mate, surgery ain’t likely to be cheap.

“Dear Dr Neezy,

I have made a mistake and I need your help to try and fix it… I can’t help but be a matchmaker, I am forever setting my friends up with my other friends. Unfortunately my skills got the better of me and I decided to set up my best friends. They are now dating and super happy but I am now alone and neither of them have time for me. If I hang out with either of them all they talk about is each other and I feel like I can’t talk to them about anything anymore. Its making me feel super lonely. I now have to “book” a few weeks in advance to hang out with either of them and majority of the time they forget and makes plans together and I am stood up. Am I being selfish? Do I need to back off and let them have their space? Or should I say something?”

Anonymous

The matchmaking career is a fickle one. Pride always precedes the fall. I’ll answer with an experience of my own, very similar. I also had (note the tense) two best friends whom I set upon one another. After being ditched constantly because they were absorbed in weekends of filthy lovemaking, I decided that their happiness needed a shot of pragmatism. You know, the hallmark of a real relationship is the ability to handle everyday issues together. So I persuaded the clingy ex to catch the guy’s attention by sending some pretty eye-catching material. He obviously started replying, taking precious time out of their adult cardio sessions. This manoeuvre just ends the honeymoon period sooner, and everyone gets a hard reality check. You may not like the drama, but baby, it’s character building.

“How do I possibly approach a woman, when I haven’t had sex in so long that a light breeze gets me sporting a half chub? Like seriously, I’m smuggling some blue balls the size of watermelons down here.”

Richard Aiken

I’m just going to hit you with the 2017 shortlist that’s doing wonders for my other male clients:

  • Get a place that you call home. Parents are a cockblock
  • Go to the gym
  • /r/nofap
  • No more alcohol until you’re cured. You don’t drink unless she does
  • Iron your fucking shirt

If you can achieve these basic functions of the adult man, you may be able to crack those watermelons. After two or three weeks (don’t rush, your confidence has clearly lapsed), then you can seal the deal. Send this unlucky woman the following message when she’s active on Facebook, “Snugs?”

Need some wanderlust but can’t afford to travel? Let me turn your bedroom into a holiday resort. Email your love troubles to drneezy@togatus.com.au or visit this page.

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