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I have returned from six months of living in a Tame Impala music video. It is difficult to reflect since we last shared in the pains of the loveless – a smoky purple haze has taken me over with new wisdom to bestow. A new chapter of love advice I have for you all, claimed from my excursion to the far, far north motherlands to fish back the missus from the fjords. Figured I’d make like Phil Collins, maestro poet of desire, and get the beer goggles on in Belgium before questing towards my easy lover. Alas I was not well equipped, those brews easily triple the strength of a beloved VB.

I zigzagged my way up to my darling, like a pinball of rejection rebounding off of Czech, Holland, Germany, finally Denmark.

My dearest destitute devotees, I discovered a new kind of feminism. Do not abandon faith, sexually aggressive men no problem in this brave world! The blonde women of Europe rule with an iron stiletto, and we men would be wise to humble ourselves before them. It is truly special to see the death of the fuckboi, but will the cuck fill the void?

And the missus, she did find herself!

More on that next time, it appears we have urgent business. Readers of all walks, open your hearts to this sad sack.

 

Dear Dr Neezy,

Things were getting hot with my new girlfriend last night, and in a bad way. She giggled when she found out I was circumcised, and it’s made me feel really insecure. I think she’s leaving scissors around the house to make fun of me. How do I make her see the light?

Sincerely,

Snip

Install a blue light right now. Then when she can feeling it cumming in the air tonight, you can scream “OH LORD” with conviction. The shock will freeze her, guaranteed to send shivers down her spine. In this moment of absurdity, tell her to wipe off that grin. You know where’s she’s been, with those scissors. You’ll have achieved a brief moment of mutual vulnerability.

Now, why such a bizarre method? I admit it is unconventional, but so too is any person who shames another’s genitals.

For the copulating couple, it is commonly accepted that the post-coital window of about two minutes are valuable for reflection. Tell her to look through her shock and satisfaction at the messy aftermath. The writing is running down the walls. Don’t shame her for shaming you, show her what that circumcised penis can do. It’s a tool, and you need to show that you know what to do with it.

Those scissors are a necessary cry for attention from a partner that just sees a skinless, lifeless appendage.

 

Bonus

Can I have a review of the TUU condoms please?

– Safety First

By all means! Please, feel free to ask for me at the front desk of the TUU. Just tell the lovely receptionist Vicki that this is in regards to TUU condom reviews, she’ll understand. For future reference, I do prefer bookings to be made for intensive sessions.

This is a reminder to all, please do not hesitate to contact your resident Love Doctor. This is a free service, intended to assist your student experience. Remember that love is life, and the satisfaction of your student life is paramount for good grades.

For appointments, reviews, and most importantly, love queries, email Dr Neezy at drneezy@togatus.com.au.

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