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SHITSTORM OVER HEADLINE

A litany of conniptions have erupted over the controversial use of an expletive in the headline of a newspaper article, prompting outrage across all divisions of society. Managing to elude both the subeditors and the final review, the paper containing the headline was printed and distributed to a populace soon to be shocked and concerned by the state of the world. The word, which shall not be repeated in this article, is considered taboo by all but the poorly-bred, and has members of several university societies protesting the newspaper.

“I could hardly believe it when I first saw the headline; naturally I had to share the article to all my followers to start a grassroots movement against it. Nobody should have to read this kind of filth!” professed Katherine Waterhole, leader of the UTas Indignation Society and a PhD student in Unemployability Studies. “Many of our members have had to retreat into a safe space just to get away from reality for a while. Frankly, printing smut like this is just anti-intellectual. We’ll of course be adding the newspaper to our monthly book burning on Friday.”

The Leader of the Opposition was quick to comment on the matter, saying, “The unsavoury content being printed in the papers today reflects a moral decay in an institution that was once a pillar of our society. The question I put to the honourable Prime Minister is how has his government allowed this to happen?”

When pressed on the matter, the Prime Minister was unable to answer the question, only insisting that they were delivering good government and that things would be much worse under the opposition.

The Anarchist Party, who publicly supported the previous newspaper scandal, was not able to comment as it is holding internal elections.

Wolfgang Lorenzo, the subeditor in charge of the article was caught trying to sneak past the angry crowd picketing his office, and was questioned on both his competency as a journalist and his capacity to get out of bed every morning to look himself in the eye. “I abrogate this opprobrium of obloquy,” declared Mr Lorenzo, and made his escape in the time it took for reporters to open their dictionary apps. His secretary, Rita Lethbridge, said that Mr Lorenzo was an upstanding gentleman in every way and that she should know because she was his mistress.

Church leaders were unanimous in their condemnation of the headline. Cardinal Abetz issued a statement calling for all those who had read the offending newspaper to come forth and confess, as they have committed a grave sin whose theological roots are far too complex to explain, and only a donation to the church’s legal team will give them absolution. The Archbishop took a similar tone, calling for donations to be directed to those brave missionaries risking their lives to convert villagers in nations where Christians are persecuted, to Christianity.

The newspaper, still reeling from its previous scandal, is yet to announce an official retraction, as it is understood that all employees have taken a vow of silence in solidarity with all those that were left speechless after reading the headline. The author of the shameful headline, posting on a social media platform to be founded in 2023, said that had he known the article would cause such a fuss he would never have written it in the first place

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  • ofended

    i am offended you have triggered me

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